My mom and I never had "that" kind of relationship. We have never been the mother/daughter type people. We have always had more of a I-have-to-talk-to-you-because-you-and-I-are-related type relationship. I have a closer more loving relationship with my mother and father in law in six years than I have ever had with my mother for 29 years. At least from my point of view she has always been the one who "ran" the family, she was always the boss. She was ALWAYS in control of every aspect of our lives, especially mine. We did what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it and would complain if we did not want to do it and finally we would give in and just do whatever it was she wanted to do. She never taught me to cook, she never taught me to clean, she never talked to me about drugs, smoking, or sex. These things I learned on my own through trial and error. My brother and I cleaned as she never cleaned a day in her life. We ate whatever she cooked (which was rare) because if we did not we would go hungry that night, which she mistakenly took for us liking the food she made and has come to bite me in the butt lately. As for the others, trial and error. This is not to say that she is the ONLY one at fault for these parenting mistakes but she is the one that I am talking about today.
She just didn't do those sort of things, those sort of motherly things. She is totally wrapped up in her own emotions and she can never see anything beyond her own self. The slightest thing will set her off the deep end and make her flip out. She says small things that hurt my feelings and I know she knows what she is doing. Things like "do you want this shirt its too big for me and I am sure it would fit you" or "This would look good on me since I am smaller than you" I know that I am fat, she knows I am fat, my whole freakin' family knows I am fat...Must we point it out? Did I mention that she is the EXACT same size as me? Oh, and I am NOT the one sitting in the hospital because I am fat though and I am doing something about mine, what has she ever done? Taken it out on a bag of chips...Or me.
She takes everything out on me, like everything is my fault. Everything that has ever happened in her life has been either my fault or my problem, her weight, her divorce, her love life, her financial situation. Like it is expected of me to take care of her, to take care of everything in her life. Who is the child and who is the parent? I have three kids of my own to raise and it is hard enough to be a mother to a 6 year old. I do not need or want another one that is 56 years old. I want to raise my children my way without the advice of someone who couldn't even raise me! I scream in my head that these things are not my fault nor are they my problem, but I am either too chicken or too nice to say anything about it. But with all of these things I am supposed to feel something, anything, but I do not. Nothing...The only thing I feel is anger. Angry because I am the one who is being forced to take care of everything and even then it is not good enough for her. I cannot do it right so I get either yelled at or I get the guilt trip. I keep my mouth shut instead of saying something.
Things I should have said to her and probably will never say:
It is not my fault that you packed up and moved 3 thousand miles away to come to NC with no prior planning or saving. It is not my fault that you have no money coming here. It is not my fault that you probably got into trouble of some sort in Hawaii which is why you came here in the first place. It is not my fault that you won't tell me the real reason you came here. It is not my fault that you got to live in my house rent free for an entire year and you still do not have any money. It is not my fault that you have a car that you can't pay for but won't get rid of. It is not my fault that you bought a $4000 computer and still can't pay for your own food and you won't get rid of it. It is not my fault that you borrowed money from Pepere and wasted it on crap expensive sunglasses and jewelry making kit that you will never use. You do not take my advise when I tell you my ideas, you always have an excuse for everything. So stop asking me.
Yes, you have been there to help me when I needed money but I have always paid my debts to you, yet you are angry that I cannot help you when you need money. I have three kids and a family that I need to take care of you have nothing and no one. When could I possibly see my money again? We have enough money to get us by each week and paying off our debts at the same time. Just because Jim has paid his truck off doesn't mean that the money is getting piled somewhere for a rainy day. It is getting put to other debts we owe. You bought a stupid dog for $400 and God knows how much to have him shipped here yet you cannot make rent. Why is this my fault? Why is it now my problem to take care of him? Why is it now my problem to take care of your rent? No, I will not make a special trip to your house just to get "his" dog food. He can eat what we have for him. No he cannot come into my house, I like my carpets urine and feces free. I could care less about that stupid bird, you can barely feed yourself let alone that bird who got an expensive cage instead of you getting your things from the movers.
Yes, you can have my couches, queen size bed, end tables, and dresser without thanks or paying for them. Yes you can use my truck and trailer to move and don't bother saying thank you. Please boss us around and tell us how to do things because we are obligated to help you. Don't bother being thankful in the least.
Am I being selfish when I say these things? Where is my general concern for my mom? Where is my heart? It is beaten, tired, and hurt. I want to live my own life, raise my own children, and never ever be the person that I see in my mother everyday. Is that too much to ask? Shouldn't I be feeling something besides anger? I am not sure what to do or what to say, but I suppose I will just continue to do what I am doing now and then next year I will post another venting.
No comments:
Post a Comment