If anyone has ever worked in an office loaded with cubicles and other workers, you will appreciate this literary piece a friend of mine showed me. "Orientation" is written by Daniel Orozco, it is a bit long for a blog post but totally worth the read, I promise. I have worked in an office setting just like this one for five years now and I literally "see" these people on a daily basis. Enjoy!
Those are the offices and these are the cubicles. That’s my cubicle there, and this is’t find your supervisor, ask Phillip Spiers, who’ll check with Clarissa Nicks, who sits over there. If you make an’s your Processing Analyst’s your Forms Processing Procedures Manual.’m glad you asked that. We pace our work’t get close to them, as it only makes it more difficult when’s room is over there. The women’s room is over there. John LaFountaine, who’s room occasionally. He says it is accidental. We know’s room simply a benign thrill, a faint blip on the dull flat line of his’s crayon artwork - sheet’s existence, has’t the’s left palm began to bleed. She fell into a trance,’s wife is dead. So’ll die, never talk to Anika Bloom.’s Christmas Potluck, he felt sorry for her when’t been’s nothing he can do about it, and we are’t gotten back to you.’s’n Low to sugar, there is a special pool for two-fifty a week. We do’s’s wife was’t been himself since. Barry Hacker’s wife’s’s Voicemail box, messages garbled by the electronic chirrups and buzzes in’t that a coincidence?’s office. He is our Unit Manager, and his door is always closed.’s Closet. You have no business in the Custodian’s Closet.’s office, you must be very quiet.’s door is always open to all of us. She will always lend’s room. And John LaFountaine - who, enthralled when a woman’re not supposed to know’t worry. His compulsion inflicts itself on strangers only, and’s Kiss on her desk’t it beautiful? It overlooks the park, where the’s you, waving. And look there. There’s Anika Bloom in the kitchenette,’t find your supervisor,’ll check with Clarissa Nicks. She sits
your cubicle. This is your phone. Never answer your phone. Let the Voicemail System
answer it. This is your Voicemail System Manual. There are no personal phone calls allowed.
We do, however, allow for emergencies. If you must make an emergency phone
call, ask your supervisor first. If you can
sits over there. He
emergency phone call without asking, you may be let go.
These are your IN and OUT boxes. All the forms in your IN box must be logged in by the
date shown in the upper left-hand corner, initialed by you in the upper right-hand corner,
and distributed to the Processing Analyst whose name is numerically coded in the lower
left-hand corner. The lower right-hand corner is left blank. Here
Numerical Code Index. And here
You must pace your work. What do I mean? I
according to the eight-hour workday. If you have twelve hours of work in your IN box, for
example, you must compress that work into the eight-hour day. If you have one hour of
work in your IN box, you must expand that work to fill the eight-hour day. That was a
good question. Feel free to ask questions. Ask too many questions, however, and you
may be let go.
That is our receptionist. She is a temp. We go through receptionists here. They quit with
alarming frequency. Be polite and civil to the temps. Learn their names, and invite them
to lunch occasionally. But don
they leave. And they always leave. You can be sure of that.
The men
sits over there, uses the women
better, but we let it pass. John LeFountaine is harmless, his forays into the forbidden
territory of the women
life.
Russell Nash, who sits in the cubicle to your left, is in love with Amanda Pierce, who sits
in the cubicle to your right. They ride the same bus together after work. For Amanda
Pierce, it is just a tedious bus ride made less tedious by the idle nattering of Russell
Nash. But for Russell Nash, it is the highlight of his day. It is the highlight of his life.
Russell Nash has put on forty pounds, and grows fatter with each passing month, nibbling
on chips and cookies while peeking glumly over the partitions at Amanda Pierce,
and gorging himself at home on cold pizza and ice cream while watching adult videos
on TV.
Amanda Pierce, in the cubicle to your right, has a six-year-old son named Jamie, who is
autistic. Her cubicle is plastered from top to bottom with the boy
after sheet of precisely drawn concentric circles and ellipses, in black and yellow. She
rotates them every other Friday. Be sure to comment on them.
Amanda Pierce, who tolerates Russell Nash, is in love with Albert Bosch, whose office
is over there. Albert Bosch, who only dimly registers Amanda Pierce
eyes only for Ellie Tapper, who sits over there. Ellie Tapper, who hates Albert Bosch,
would walk through fire for Curtis Lance. But Curtis Lance hates Ellie Tapper. Isn
world a funny place? Not in the ha-ha sense, of course.
Anika Bloom sits in that cubicle. Last year, while reviewing quarterly reports in a meeting
with Barry Hacker, Anika Bloom
stared into her hand, and told Barry Hacker when and how his wife would die. We
laughed it off. She was, after all, a new employee. But Barry Hacker
unless you want to know exactly when and how you
Colin Heavey sits in that cubicle over there. He was new once, just like you. We warned
him about Anika Bloom. But at last year
he saw that no one was talking to her. Colin Heavey bought her a drink. He hasn
himself since. Colin Heavey is doomed. There
powerless to help him. Stay away from Colin Heavey. Never give any of your work to
him. If he asks to do something, tell him you have to check with me. If he asks again,
tell him I haven
This is the Fire Exit. There are several on this floor, and they are marked accordingly.
We have a Floor Evacuation Review every three months, and an Escape Route Quiz
once a month. We have our Biannual fire Drill twice a year, and our Annual Earthquake
Drill once a year. These are precautions only. These things never happen.
For your information, we have a comprehensive health plan. Any catastrophic illness,
any unforeseen tragedy is completely covered. All dependents are completely covered.
Larry Bagdikian, who sits over there, has six daughters. If anything were to happen to
any of his girls, or to all of them, if all six were to simultaneously fall victim to illness or
injury - stricken witha hideous degenerative muscle disease or some rare toxic blood
disorder, sprayed with semiautomatic gunfire while on a class field trip, or attacked in
their bunk beds by some prowling nocturnal lunatic - if any of this were to pass, Larry
girls would all be taken care of. Larry Bagdikian would not have to pay one dime. He
would have nothing to worry about.
We also have a generous vacation and sick leave policy. We have an excellent disability
insurance plan. We have a stable and profitable pension fund. We get group discounts
for the symphony, and block seating at the ballpark. We get commuter ticket books for
the bridge. We have Direct Deposit. We are all members of Costco.
This is our kitchenette. And this, this is our Mr. Coffee. We have a coffee pool, into wich
we each pay two dollars a week for coffee, filters, sugar, and CoffeeMate. If you prefer
Cremora or half-and-half to CoffeeMate, there is a special pool for three dollars a week.
If you prefer Sweet
not do decaf. You are allowed to join the coffee pool of your choice, but you are not allowed
to touch the Mr. Coffee.
This is the microwave oven. You are allowed to heat food in the microwave oven. You
are not, however, allowed to cook food in the microwave oven.
We get one hour for lunch. We also get one fifteen-minute break in the morning, and
one fifteen-minute break in the afternoon. Always take your breaks. If you skip a break,
it is gone forever. For your information, your break is a privelige, not a right. If you abuse
the break policy, we are authorized to rescind your breaks. Lunch, however, is a right,
not a privelige. If you abuse the lunch policy, our hands will be tied, and we will be
forced to look the other way. We will not enjoy that.
This is the refrigerator. You may put your lunch in it. Barry Hacker, who sits over there,
steals food from this refrigerator. His petty theft is an outlet for his grief. Last New Year
Eve, while kissing his wife, a blood vessel burst in her brain. Barry Hacker
two months pregnant at the time, and lingered in a coma for half a year before dying. It
was a tragic loss for Barry Hacker. He hasn
was a beautiful woman. She was also completely covered. Barry Hacker did not have to
pay one dime But his dead wife haunts him. She haunts all of us. We have seen her,
reflected in the monitors of our computers, moving past our cubicles. We have seen the
dim shadow of her face in our photocopies. She pencils herself in in the receptionist
appointment book, with the notation: To see Barry Hacker. She has left messages in the
receptionist
the phone line, her voice echoing from an immense distance within the ambient hum.
But the voice is hers. And beneath the voice, beneath the tidal whoosh of static and
hiss, the gurgling and crying of a baby can be heard.
In any case, if you bring a lunch, put a little something extra in the bag for Barry Hacker.
We have four Barrys in this office. Isn
This is Matthew Payne
We have never seen him, and you will never see him. But he is there. You can be sure
of that. He is all around us.
This is the Custodian
And this, this is our Supplies Cabinet. If you need supplies, see Curtis Lance. He will log
you in on the Supplies Cabinet Authorization Log, then give you a Supplies Authorization
Slip. Present your pink copy of the Supplies Authorization Slip to Ellie Tapper. She
will log you in on the Supplies Cabinet Key Log, then give you the key. Because the
Supplies Cabinet is located outside the Unit Manager
Gather your supplies quietly. The Supplies Cabinet is divided into four sections. Section
One contains letterhead stationery, blank paper and envelopes, memo and note pads,
and so on. Section Two contains pens and pencils and typewriter and printer ribbons,
and the like. In Section Three we have erasers, correction fluids, transparent tapes, glue
sticks, et cetera. And in Section Four we have paper clips and push pins and scissors
and razor blades. And here are the spare blades for the shredder. Do not touch the
shredder, which is located over there. The shredder is of no concern to you.
Gwendolyn Stich sits in that office there. She is crazy about penguins, and collects penguin
knickknacks: penguin posters and coffee mugs and stationery, penguin stuffed
animals, penguin jewelry, penguin sweaters and T-shirts and socks. She has a pair of
penguin fuzzy slippers she wears when working late at the office. She has a tape cassette
of penguin sounds which she listens to for relaxation. Her favorite colors are black
and white. She has personalized license plates that read PEN GWEN. Every morning,
she passes through all the cubicles to wish each of us a good morning. She brings Danish
on Wednesdays for Hump Day morning break, and doughnuts on Fridays for TGIF
afternoon break. She organizes the Annual Christmas Potluck, and is in charge of the
Birthday List. Gwendolyn Stich
an ear, and put in a good word for you; she will always give you a hand, or the shirt off
her back, or a shoulder to cry on. Because her door is always open, she hides and cries
in a stall in teh women
enters, sits quietly in his stall with his knees to his chest - John LaFountaine has heard
her vomiting in there. We have come upon Gwendolyn Stich huddled in the stairwell,
shivering in the updraft, sipping a Diet Mr. Pibb and hugging her knees. She does not let
any of this interfere with her work. If it interfered with her work, she might have to be let
go.
Kevin Howard sits in that cubicle over there. He is a serial killer, the one they call the
Carpet Cutter, responsible for the mutilations across town. We
that, so do not let on. Don
the routine established is elaborate and unwavering. The victim must be a white male, a
young adult no older than thirty, heavyset, with dark hair and eyes, and the like. The victim
must be chosen at random before sunset, from a public place; the victim is followed
home, and must put up a struggle; et cetera. The carnage inflicted is precise: the angle
and direction of the incisions; the layering of skin and muscle tissue; the rearrangement
of visceral organs; and so on. Kevin Howard does not let any of this interfere with his
work. He is, in fact, our fastest typist. He types as if he were on fire. He has a secret
crush on Gwendoly Stich, and leaves a red-foil-wrapped Hershey
every afternoon. But he hates Anika Bloom, and keeps well away from her. In his presence,
she has uncontrollable fits of shaking and trembling. Her left palm does not stop
bleeding.
In any case, when Kevin Howard gets caught, act surprised. Say that he seemed like a
nice person, a bit of a loner, perhaps, but always quiet and polite.
This is the photocopier room. And this, this is our view. It faces southwest. West is down
there, toward the water. North is back there. Because we are on the seventeenth floor,
we are afforded a magnificent view. Isn
tops of those trees are. You can see a segment of the bay between those two buildings
over there. You can see the sun set in the gap between those two buildings over there.
You can see this building reflected in the glass panels of that building across the way.
There. See? That
waving back.
Enjoy this view while photocopying. If you have problems with the photocopier, see
Russell Nash. If you have any questions, ask your supervisor. If you can
ask Phillip Spiers. He sits over there. He
over there. If you can't find them, feel free to ask me. That's my cubicle. I sit in there.
